moody wednesday.

Emotions and issues kept in me were released today when im outside, one of the very rare moments i let my emotions out in public / to people other than my family. Initial concerns abt the relationship came up, as well as the latter concerns.... it seems like i've been running away from reality for a very very long time.

I'm living in my own world for almost 20 years, oblivious to what others might think of it. Or perhaps i'm living a life for others to see / watch. After so many years of living, as many who have realised, family is forever and will always be behind you, even if there is only one person from the family.

When i reached home, my mom didnt say a word to me, after entering the very quiet room. I was watching american idol then. She just handed me some maggi mashed potatoes, still hot.... and stood behind me for a while, watching the show thats in my room, and walked out. Obviously she knew me well enough that i needed some time to myself, and a lover of peaceful surroundings.

After reading jh's blog abt her life, i wonder if i'm loving her because i love her or just plainly out of sympathy. (at this moment, theres a sense of deja vu...) Still remember the night we got together, she accompanied me at a playground near her place coz i wasnt feeling too well. And things just went from friends to lovers, after 4 - 5hrs of chatting...

We're going through a very rough period, mainly because of me. subconciously, stress from graduating, entering NS in a month's time, upcoming concert, sec/poly friends... is ever present in this period of my life.. Fear of the unknown, definately not looking forward to NS, when i still can't do a single physical thing / swim, and the fact im not doing anything abt it. Even my 9 yr old brother's encouraging me to go swim with him..

Moving on, men are pretty hard to please. Maybe it's just me, but i always like people taking initiatives and doing things that are supposed to be done without being told. I also like surprises, which is part of taking initiatives. My emotion's ever changing, at times i wud love people to sweet talk, at times sweet talking shud be kept at a minimum, for an example. The other person would have to know me sooo well, or else be able to read my mind, if not i doubt anyone could do that, not even my mom.. (but she's close enough)...

And maybe thats why im so hard to please.... because i hardly open my real self to anyone. People couldnt read my mind well enough, and couldnt surprise me much. Expectations i have which are not fulfilled disappoints, because initiatives were not taken. And maybe the true cure is TIME.

May i peacefully spend the last month of civilian life.